December 2005 Archives

I hate New Year’s. Yeah, it usually means a great party and the obligatory black out, which is needed to purge ourselves of all of the lists of stupid things (famous dead people, Hollywood break ups, technology, sports moments, etc.) that get forced into our impressionable grey matter at the end of every year with out fail. But, rather then rock the boat, I will join the rest of the rank and file, blow off any real work, give journalistic integrity another shot to the dome and just make a list, or eight, of stuff for you to look at. Or not. Happy New Year!

eLarceny’s Top Ten Albums of 2005

My Morning Jacket - Z
Kings of Leon – Aha Heart Shake Heartbreak
Beck - Guero
White Stripes – Get Behind Me Satan
Clap Hands Say Yeah – Clap Hands Say Yeah
The Magic Numbers – The Magic Numbers
Bloc Party – Silent Alarm
Boards of Canada – Campfire Headphase
Kanye West – Late Registration
The Heartless Bastards – Stairs and Elevators

Top Indie Rock

My Morning Jacket - Z
Clap Hands Say Yeah – Clap Hands Say Yeah
Bloc Party – Silent Alarm
The Go! Team – Thunder, Lightning, Strike
Architecture in Helsinki – In Case We Die
Rilo Kiley – More Adventurous
Spoon – Gimme Fiction
The Heartless Bastards – Stairs and Elevators
Caribou - The Milk of Human Kindness
The Magic Numbers – The Magic Numbers
Shout Out Loud - Howl Howl Gaff Gaff
Menomena – I Am the Fun Blame Monster
Fiest – Let it Die
Spoon – Gimme Fiction
Black Mountain – Black Mountain
Brendan Benson – The Alternative to Love
Tom Vek - We have Sound
el ten eleven – el ten eleven

Top Five Electronic

Boards of Canada - Campfire Headphase
Brazilian Girls - Brazilian Girls
Gorillaz – Demon Days
Z Trip - Shifting Gears
Something for Rockets – Something for Rockets

Top Three Rock/Hard Rock Album

Nine Inch Nails - With Teeth
Queens of the Stoneage – Lullabies to Paralyze
Mars Volta – Frances the Mute

Top Five Hip Hop Albums

MIA - Arular
Danger Doom – The Mouse and the Mask
Ludacris - Red Light District
Biggie & Sinatra - Blue Eyes meets Bed Stuy
Blackalicious – The Craft

Top Five Bands You Had To Listen To If You Were Cool

Wolf Parade – Apologies to Queen Mary
Sufjan Stevens - Illinoise
The Go! Team – Thunder, Lightning, Strike
Wolf Parade – Apologies to Queen Mary
MIA – Arular
Clap Hands Say Yeah – Clap Hands Say Yeah

Albums I Didn't Listen To But Probably Should Have

Fionna Apple - Extraordinary Machines (Fresh)
Sufjan Stevens - Illinoise (Fresh)
Kanye West – Late Registration (King Wookie)

Top Albums of 2006

Artic Monkeys – Whatever You Say I Am
The Strokes – First Impressions of Earth
Belle and Sebastian – If You’re Feeling Sinister

Hello everybody. I hope you all had Happy Holidays! And when I say "Happy Holidays" I really mean Merry Christmas, because I’m white, from the Midwest and too uncultured to recognize “holidays” with “names” like Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and Boxing Day. What I’m not too uncultured to recognize, however, is the eerie resemblance between this picture I found in an old clip art book (at the right) and my choice for 2005’s entertainer of the year, Kanye West.

I don’t think anyone can make much argument against Mr. West’s status as the most entertaining man of the past 365, I mean c’mon, everything he says either turns to gold records or cracks me up. Plus, he keeps taking verbal shots at the Prez and nobody has managed to Dixie-Chick him yet!

Let’s look ahead to 2006 for Mr. West. First up, the Grammy Awards. I’m hoping Mr. West gets completely snubbed. One, because that would make me laugh (even though he deserves to win every category, including Heavy Metal) and two, it will speed the process of the next big 2006 Kayne West moment - his monumental nervous break down. It’s gonna happen, don’t kid yourself.

So that’s it. I hope Santa brought you everything wished for, and if he didn’t I hope he left a receipt, so you can experience the joy of standing in more lines. Anybody want to have a re-gifting party? I got some socks I would like to exchange for something that you received but have no use for - like an alabaster figurine of two praying hands.

Stuff to Sample: Diplo’s remix of Kanye West’s “Goldigger” which is really a remix of Ray Charle’s “I Gotta Woman” and the Legendary K.O. aping Mr. West’s style to drop “George Bush Don’t Car About Black People”

I knew as soon as I read it. The winner of the haiku contest was a clear choice in this field of tough competitors. Beef narrowly missed the top prize last time but came through strong this time around with the touching and funny “father figure: a grammar lesson from dad during my first concert.”

I had promised myself that I would put some of my book learning to use and extrapolate the winning poem, but then I thought about that and realized that I’m an American, I don’t have to do it if I don’t want to and quite frankly, I never liked deconstructing literature in the first place. All this makes me wonder what exactly I was doing for five years in college. . . oh, yeah. . . now I slightly remember.

Thanks to all who participated. Better luck next time to the unlucky few who did not win, because, more-then-likely, there will be a next time considering I can’t come up with different contests.

Check out all of the entries after the jump.

Stuff to Sample: Still living in the past. STP's "Vasoline" and Silverchair's "Tomorrow"

"Untitled" by Vince

Strait out of Compton.
Dope man paid for the album.
Eazy R.I.P

"Untitled" by Chris

Just beat it beat it
Poor black boy now rich white man
Smooth criminal bitch

"Untitled" by King Wookie

I regret it still
But Michael W. Smith
Used to give me chills

"Untitled" by Jules

Running man Van. Ice
Slippery dance floor high heels
Coccyx and pride twinge

Tom Green just released a hip hop album.

Approaching something like this is difficult. As a music fan with discerning tastes, my first reaction upon learning that, yes, this is indeed Tom Green of the oft-unpleasant Tom Green Show, is to recoil in disgust. But I’m an American and I can’t help but stare at a potential train wreck.

I gave Green’s new album, Prepare for Impact, a once through and started to wonder if I was missing something. The whole alum was full of smooth, old school beats and chunks of funk (provided by DJ EZ Mike of the Dust Brothers - Seriously, what are you thinking working with Tom Green?!).

Is there an underlying intelligence here? Can it be that Green really isn’t a retarded Canadian who lucked into fame, a typical Hollywood marriage and a failed film career?

So I listened to it again, and I can now definitely say: no. There is no intelligence here. None.

Green’s new album also provides me with another reason to hate Sony. Not only is Sony screwing over the fans and the artists with their draconian copy right protection, they are now adding to the steady decline of civilization by giving Tom Green a record deal, ensuring his unwelcome stay in the public eye will last another six months. If it wasn't already the new millennium, I would be totally scared for the fate of mankind. Fin de Siècle, y'all.

Sample (because you have to hear it to believe it): From Tom Green’s Prepare for Impact, two songs that excel in suckitude, “Write Rhymes and Act Like an Asshole” and “My Bum is on Your Lips”

Sony cops to more DRM problems, actually reponds in a timely manner but everyone is still pissed.

And say bye-bye to Borf. His legacy will live on, but only until they make him clean it up. More work of Borf.

Also, eLarceny Hiaku contest is still on. Wax poetic!

Again, I’m a little behind on the latest buzz. I could claim that I don’t like this band’s name or that they are just another two-month hipster trend, but the truth of the matter is, I was too busy listening to Rush and wasn’t really paying attention.

But, if you think you are “cool” and want others to think you are “cool” too, then commit this to memory: UK Kids not yet 20 + Post Punk and Dance Rock Tendencies = Hotness. In 2006, the Arctic Monkeys will be what the Bloc Party was to 2005 and what Franz Ferdinand was to 2004 - combined. The Arctic Monkeys are so hot they set the greasy hair of several hipsters a blaze during the four shows they did recently in the states.

They’ve garnered tons of critical acclaim with a couple toss off singles and their live shows - the few they have played. The ultra trendy have completely forgot about Christmas and are waiting in with rapt attention for February 21 when the Arctic Monkeys will release their full-length debut What Ever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not. If you live in the UK then you can have it on January 30.

Never being a band to do, or say, anything quickly, the Arctic Monkey’s long-winded titled debut will be preceded by the slightly less protracted titled single When the Sun Goes Down on January 24 in the States, January 16 for the Brits.

Also, if you were a poet and didn't even know then try your hand in the latest eLarceny contest.

Web Site: Here

Buy: Online Here

Sample: From Arctic Monkey’s single I Bet You Look Good on a Dancefloor, “I Bet You Look Good on a Dancefloor” and “Chun Li’s Spinning Bird Kick”

I have a confession to make. I’m a nerd, I live in the Midwest and the band that ultimately turned me on to rock and roll was Rush. Specifically, Rush’s 1992 Juno award winning album Roll the Bones. It’s not their best album (i.e. Moving Pictures or 2112) but it’s certainly not their worst (i.e. everything they released during the 1980s). Roll the Bones holds a special, sentimental place in my heart and can evoke sickening waves of nostalgia that send me spinning back to my awkward youth at the very first guitar lick from Alex Lifeson, drum roll of Neil Peart and girlish screech of Geddy Lee.

Here’s another confession. I know all of the lyrics to all of the songs on Roll the Bones. I might even post some karaoke just to prove my point.

This post really isn’t going anywhere. I was just digging through my musical past for some laughs. But I’m sure you can all relate.

Here’s the real contest:
It’s haiku time! Drop a 5-7-5 syllabled poem on the first album you bought or a pivotal yet embarrassing musical moment from your past. Winner gets the coveted button with your choice of slogans:

“Jack – Relax. Get Busy with the Facts”

“I [heart] Rush”

“Haikus Make Me Horny”

“I Used to Have Bad Taste in Music.”

Sample: From Rush’s Roll the Bones “Dreamline” and “Roll the Bones”

Lyrics to “Roll the Bones”

Well, you can stake that claim
Good work is the key to good fortune
Winners take that praise
Losers seldom take that blame
If they don’t take that game
And sometimes the winner takes nothing
We draw our own designs
But fortune has to make that frame

We go out in the world and take our chances
Fate is just the weight of circumstances
That’s the way that lady luck dances
Roll the bones

Why are we here?
Because we’re here
Roll the bones
Why does it happen?
Because it happens
Roll the bones

Faith is cold as ice --
Why are little ones born only to suffer
For the want of immunity
Or a bowl of rice?
Well, who would hold a price
On the heads of the innocent children
If there’s some immortal power
To control the dice?

We come into the world and take our chances
Fate is just the weight of circumstances
That’s the way that lady luck dances
Roll the bones

Jack -- relax.
Get busy with the facts.
No zodiacs or almanacs,
No maniacs in polyester slacks.
Just the facts.
Gonna kick some gluteus max.
It’s a parallax -- you dig?
You move around
The small gets big. it’s a rig.
It’s action -- reaction --
Random interaction.
So who’s afraid
Of a little abstraction?
Can’t get no satisfaction
From the facts?
You better run, homeboy --
A fact’s a fact
From nome to rome, boy.

What’s the deal? spin the wheel.
If the dice are hot -- take a shot.
Play your cards. show us what you got --
What you’re holding.
If the cards are cold,
Don’t go folding.
Lady luck is golden;
She favors the bold. that’s cold.
Stop throwing stones --
The night has a thousand saxophones.
So get out there and rock,
And roll the bones.
Get busy!

I get the sense that the Strokes are now walking a fine line. They are too big to be indie darlings, yet too small to be full-blown rock stars. The success they have achieved seems to be met with disdain from the hipster nation thus leaving the band in a bit of a pickle. The hipsters that made you the hottest thing a couple years ago have the attention span of a four-year-old with severe ADD who refuses to take his Ritalin so they are soooooo over you. But, as we all know, the rest of America is somewhere around three years behind either coast and the hipster nation so there is hope for the Strokes yet.

Aside from the clique-ish popularity contest being waged by the uber-cool, the Strokes’ new album First Impressions isn’t all that bad. Like their first two albums Is This It? and Room On Fire it took me a couple listens to get into it but I woke up with “You Only Live Once” stuck on repeat in my head this morning, so that might tell you something, or nothing at all.

Also on the Strokes front, Michael Palmieri, who directed the video for “Juice Box,” is upset over some censorship issues with MTV and the label but I can’t make any sense of his yammering.

Good luck, Strokes. Here’s hoping you can live down the stigma of being the hipster nation’s forgotten jizz wad from four years ago. The new album will be in stores January 3, but I have an internet connection, so I can listen to it now.

Watch: "Juicebox" video (.mov)

Pre-Order: Online here

Sample: From the Stroke's First Impressions of Earth "You Only Live Once" and "Heart in a Cage"

Who loves dub? Raise your hands. Keep them up, let me get a good count.

This music makes me feel like a vinyl freak again and suddenly I miss my turntables. Damn you Rock and Roll! Damn you for swaying my path from more dulcid electronic tones!

For the longest time I’ve wanted to start an electronic dub band. No real reason behind that, I just have this thing for dub and there aren’t any dub bands around here - and that needs to change. Thankfully, my appreciation for dub is not lost on others and when they decide to make some dub music it actually gets done.

Jack Dangers, AKA Meat Beat Manifesto among a zillion other aliases, teamed up with Dubloner, AKA Kenneth James Dobson, AKA Eight Frozen Modules AKA just Google it so I don’t have to keep going, to release dubplate perfection with the single Hiss & Buzz.

Hiss & Buzz is disappointingly short and contains only one song, which is then reinterpreted three more times. But as far as electronic dub singles go, this is top-notch stuff and it finds Jack Dangers back at the top of his game. Here’s hoping they decide to put out a full-length album, although, listening to this only serves to remind me that I will never fulfill my dream of starting a dub band, which is ultimately contributing to me dying slowly inside, just a little bit, every waking hour of my dubless life.

Also, if you haven’t already, check out the ridiculously hard eLarceny Name That Tune contest. I’m thinking about scrapping it in favor of a ridiculously hard I Spy contest. Any objections?

Sample: Jack Dangers and Dubloner from Hiss & Buzz “Rebiana Sand Sea” and “You Have Limbs & Backsheesh”

It’s no secret that I am not a big fan of Fifty Cent. And if you bring up Queen, more then likely I will stop listening and drift off into la-la land. But, if you found a way to combine Fiddy and Queen, I would sit rapt as if I were a child at the feet of the world’s greatest storyteller, Gordon Lightfoot.

So let’s all gather by the fire side and thank Silence Xperiment for giving the world Q-Unit, thus adding to Fiddy’s sickening over saturation of every market and completing the degradation of what some people consider to be one of the best classic rock bands of all time. I am, however, not one of them.

Contest Time: Also in time for the holidays is another eLarceny contest. This one is a little tougher then the haiku contest, but the dividends are also a bit better. This is the eLarceny version of Name That Tune. Just name the tune from the five-second clip I have provided and you will win a t-shirt from our friends at Elf Knob. First person to e-mail me the answer wins. The contest ends Friday, December 9. Admittedly, this contest favors the nerds, but isn’t it time they got theirs?

Contest Clip: Name this tune.

Sample: Q-Unit’s “Bohemian Wanksta” and “This is How We Bite the Dust.” Download the whole album here before Fiddy’s posse puts a cap in the server’s ass.