Three clues: Spandex. Wailing Falsetto. Face-Melting Gutiar Solos. Give up? The Darkness has returned with the new album One Way Ticket to Hell and Back!
And now, to the complete dismay of some of you, and you know who you are, I’m totally going to pan it.
The Darkness’ new album sucks. Sucks bad. I hear a lot of Van Halen in this record, and not the “good†Van Halen. Not that “good†and Van Halen should follow each other in a sentence to begin with. But, for the sake of making myself clear, Permission to Land was Van Halen with Diamond Dave and One Way Ticket is Van Halen with Sammy “Can’t Drive 55†Hagar. Do you understand? Neither is a good thing but there is a marked difference in the two albums and it is generally agreed that Diamond Dave was the Man while Sammy was not. But, take heart Darkness fans, at least I’m not referring to One Way Ticket as Van Halen with that third singer who’s name no one bothered to remember. How bad does that suck? Your suddenly the lead singer of one of the biggest bands of the 1980s and no one – no one – not even the most hard core fans, bother to remember your name.
Other things I hear (that make me shudder) when listening to One Way Ticket: Mid 80s Rush: by far the most sucktastic Rush. Queen: the Queen that only the most obsessive Queen fans listen to. And assorted other hair-metal acts that I won’t name because to name them is to give them power.
Maybe it’s because today is Monday or maybe it’s because I’m feeling a tad bit salty or maybe, just maybe, One Way Ticket To Hell and Back does suck and the Darkness really were just a novelty act. I’m going to stop paying attention to the Darkness until the next album or until one of them does the proper rock and roll thing and ODs.
Buy It: Online here
Sample: From the Darkness’ One Way Ticket to Hell and Back “Bald†and “English Country Gardenâ€
The zebra jump suit that the svelt man in the picture is wearing is simply to die for. The cute boy in the background looks shy and scared, but he has a mischievious twinkle in his eye. Don't worry about him, I think that he's going to be just fine. Notice how there are ominous clouds overhead but blue skies not far behind. I think that I learned a little life lesson from that picture. Thanks for that. That was really nice.
That forgotten Van Halen singer was Gary Cherone, late of Extreme fame. As in "More than words" extreme.
I haven't heard this album yet (hint hint) but I'm sure that it's not as bad as this so-called music reviewer would lead us to believe.
And it probably sounds Queen-ish because it was produced by Queen's frigging producer.
Justin Hawkins has said all along that he is a big fan of 1980s rock, why is everyone so surprised that he actually followed through on this admiration? The same thing happened when Manson tried to reproduce Bowie's numerous transformations and changes.
Are we salty because Michigan football teams (MSU, UM, Detroit) are incapable of winning a football game? Ha!
[1] Thunderpants, you are so very welcome. I posted the picture just for you.
[2] Awwww... sounds like King Wookie is a little flustered because I panned his precious Darkness. Aww, poor Wookie. You, ahh, you probably didn't want to hear how bad it sucked, did you? Huh? Did you? Awww poor, poor little Wookie. You, ah, you want a juice box? Hmmm? Would that ease the pain of the Darkness sucking? Hmmm? Make all the bad feelings go bye-bye? Hmm? How bout that?
Okay, maybe I did fly a little off the handle.
Anywho, K to the Diddy passed me a copy and I have to say "Hazel Eyes" is so good it almost made me cry. This is an interesting record...the Darkness hinges so much on irony and humor that when the mixture is as little as 0.005% off it doesn't very good at all, does it? So after a couple listens, I've decided that there are only 3, maybe 4 really GOOD songs on the album. The rest kind of hinge on mediocrity, and since few of us really enjoy bad pop/hair metal, we're left scratching our heads in curiosity.
[4] I mean, when the mixture is OFF by as little as 0.005%
Things are harsh over here at elarceny. I think if we all could just come to terms with the fact that both squads played well, but somebody has to lose and that Van Halen (Diamond Dave's, there is not other VH) stands alone and that nobody should try to imitate, well, we would all be better off. And yes, RFO, I would love a juice box if you are offering.
[6] OK . . . juice boxes for everyone, even the angry Wookie.
Permission to Land was a masterpiece of ironic hair-metal. It was a "listen-to-it-all-the-way-through" type of album. One Way Ticket on the other hand, even with a couple decent tracks, was no where near its predecessor in scope or breadth and therefore will end up in the "never-gonna-listen-to-it-again" pile.
Another group falls to the sophomore slump, despite being really snazzy dressers.
Music aside, from a Femme-fashion rocker perspective, he should have chosen black boots to go with the zebra-stripes.
And what of the fella cut out on the left side of the photo? Was he lacking the tiger-on-the-prowl demeanor? Were his ribs not pronounced enough to make the shot?
[8] Actually, he was kicked out of the band, or quit, or whatever, so I cut him out of the picture. There is a drummer on the right, as well, but who cares? He's just the drummer.